What 2011 Has Taught Me.

I can truly say with full conviction that this has been the worst year of my life. And I mean that in the most optimistic way possible, as it can only get better from here on out (right?).

To start off 2012 on as best a note I can, I want to sum up all the lessons that 2011 has taught me, and maybe even be thankful for certain wonderful things I’ve had all along. So here goes nothing (or everything):

  • Time…….it does not wait for anyone. It is not forgiving, it is not guaranteed, and it most certainly does fly by when you’re having fun, and even when you’re not. As hard as you might, you cannot stop time in its tracks. Whether you’re happy, sad, depressed, stuck, doing your best, or not doing your best………life moves on, with or without you. I have always known this, of course, but it seems like only in 2011 that its been spelled out for me.
  • Love……is the most important thing in life. Love for your parents, your children, your family, your significant other, and your dearest friends. There are so many aspects of life that get in the way of showing love for those you hold near and dear to your heart. Finding a way to balance it all is hard. And sometimes, you only realize you haven’t done all you could for a relationship when its too late. 
  • Grief……is the price we pay for love. Its my firm belief that grief is directly proportional to the amount of love you’ve had for an individual. My grief this year has morphed from anger to sheer sadness, jadedness, to involuntary outbursts. The moment I feel I am at peace, the next day its like I am learning how to cope all over again. With grief, also comes inevitable fear. Fear that all those you love will be gone in an instant. And it almost, ALMOST makes you want to be a hermit, all cozy in his shell. Grief is a bitch.
  • Happiness….is self-defined. What is great for one person, may not be so for the other. I looked around the other day and thought to myself…I love this cozy small house, maybe too small for some, but for me its just right. And my dogs, they’re crazy and untrained and messy, but they have given me so much love. My family, while crazy and constantly in conflict, they mean the world to me. And my husband, the man who makes me laugh when I think its impossible to move forward another day, who tirelessly tries to make me happy, and who loves me unconditionally. Life is really and wonderfully and amazingly brilliant, it just takes a good eye to see it.
  • Work…..shouldn’t be a four letter word that evokes anxiety or aggravation. Before this year, I wasn’t sure that being a nurse was REALLY for me. I’d like to think I’m a good nurse, but I’ve had more bad days than most people could ever handle. Going back to the place I started this year, I realized something. Being a nurse is not only good for my pocket, it is good for my soul. At the end of a hard day, there is no better feeling than knowing you had done your best for a number of people who couldn’t do for themselves. I will never say that its the perfect job, because it isn’t. But when you can finally find a balance between what you need to live well, and what you live to do well, that is where you find peace. 
  • Death….is a part of life. I lost my best friend, my cousin, and a childhood friend of mine all this year. All of them very young. It isn’t something I’ll ever be able to really make sense of. But I guess none of us will ever really know when our time has come, and we can’t plan for it. Living a meaningful happy life for as long as we can is all we can do for ourselves.
  • Fear…….doesn’t do a damn thing for anyone. Except make you crazy and anxious and angry and judgmental. If you fear something you don’t know anything about- read up on it, ask someone about it, and chances are you won’t be so fearful anymore. Fear only leaves people closed-minded and trapped. 
  • Life…..is so much more than the little insignificant things that bog your mind down. Feeling insecure about myself- my appearance, my weight, etc, has really prevented me from doing so many things that could be enjoyable in life. I am healthy, happy, AND beautiful. What the hell is my problem sometimes? I have made a resolution not to lose weight or be more healthy, but just to stop putting myself down. In my own thoughts, and in front of others. It is wasted time and energy. I will not participate in conversations about counting calories and fat, and looking good in a bathing suit, and eating fat free this and sugar free that, and the oh-my-god-i-need-to-lose-this-fucking-belly talk. Because looking back at myself, I never thought I was good enough or thin enough or pretty enough, and now I want that time back. So, in 2012, I’m done with all of it. I will eat as healthy as possible for myself, but I will not waste any time being my own worst critic. Or anyone else’s critic.

So thanks, 2011 for teaching me what I know now. It was difficult to learn, and the time we’ve spent together was valuable……but you have overstayed your welcome, and its time to go now. Here’s to a brand new year.